


Fifty Shits of Cartman

by orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - 50 Shades Of Grey, Anal Sex, BTW CARTMAN IS ABOUT FIFTEEN IN THIS, Bathroom Sex, Bodily Fluids, Bodily Functions, Body Horror, Crossdressing, Diarrhea, Don't Judge Me, Don't Read This, F/M, Farting, Fucked Up, Graphic Description, Gross, Guro?, HE'S NOT NINE I SWEAR, I Don't Even Know, Impossible Amounts of Shit, Inanimate Object Porn, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Masturbation, Mother-Son Relationship, Multi, Other, Parent/Child Incest, Pedophilia, Pink Sock, Please Don't Kill Me, Scat, The Author Regrets Everything, What Have I Done, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2018-02-23 12:37:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2547740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cartman's toilet is his favorite place in the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fifty Shits of Cartman

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags before you get into this mess. Everything potentially triggering is listed there.  
> I should also mention that no, Cartman is not supposed to be nine in this fic. He's around fifteen. I'm gross, but not THAT gross. Come on.

Fifty Shits of Cartman

Eric Cartman stood over the pearly white, innocent new toilet. "Oh yeah... you're about to lose your virginity to the ultimate master..."

Grunting, he struck the seat with the black leather whip. "You're gonna take it, all right. You're gonna get it..."

The toilet was speechless, namely because it was a fucking inanimate object.

Cartman slowly pulled off his pants, slipping out of them. Next came his white cotton briefs, which were already stained with various bodily fluids. Cartman grabbed his thick, short cock and stroked it, staring down at the toilet that was white as the lovecream he'd soon be expelling.

"Oh yeah... you know I'm gonna break you." Cartman snickered as he plunked down on the toilet.

He moaned, forcing the first geyser of shit into the bowl. Between bouts of the soupy, liquidy excrement, thunderous bursts of flatulence escaped his craptunnel. His stomach churned, and more shitpotle dressing poured into the mouth of his porcelain lover. He reached back, stuck a finger in his perpetually disgusting ass, and licked the chocolate-coloured shit from his digits. 

"Oh... oh god, yeah..." Cartman groaned, swallowing the muddy-brown substance as he began to stroke his dick with his shit-covered right hand. With his left, he pinched the numerous folds of flab on his stomach, taking pleasure in the pain. He reached up a bit and began groping his breasts, present due to his immoderate corpulence. He pinched one of his bubblegum-pink nip nops, twisting it around. Crying out in pleasure, Cartman yanked his throbbing meatrod back and forth.

But this literal shitstorm had only begun. After a cacophonic, wet blast of anal wind, Cartman's stomach grumbled, and he felt a drop in his intestines. He knew that something more intense was to come.

Lightning-fast, a hot, slimy row of butt nuggets plinked into the dove-white toilet. The greasy, runny discharge they left aroused Cartman intensely. He scooped it up with his hand and lapped it up, smearing it around his mouth. There was still a bit left on his asscheeks, so he used it as lubricant as he slid his manhood's hood up and down. The tip had started to drip with precum, and each shitlog pressed against Cartman's prostate in a way that made him squirm out of pure erotic desire.

But the biggest shit of all was getting closer and closer to coming out.

Chunky butt-lava gushed out of Cartman's farthole. He was pushing as hard as he could. The bowl was practically full, and his ass was starting to get tired from all the shitting he'd been doing. He spread his bulky thighs apart, looking down into the bowl. It was so full of shit. The shit looked delicious to Cartman. So many different varieties of feces were mixed together. The top layer was warm, putrid diarrhea.

Cartman had to have it.

Smirking, he plunged both hands into the bowl once more, scooping up most of the ass-mud and dumping it into his mouth. It tasted so rich, so wonderful to him. He gulped it down as if he was enjoying a thick, disgusting chocolate milkshake.

Suddenly, he felt his craphole widening. He knew what was coming.

The Shit Finale.

Straining, Cartman began to push like he was going into labor. His bowels stirred as the gigantic mass of waste began it's journey out of Cartman's flabby, vast ass. His moans echoed off the tile walls of the bathroom. The tip poked out of his asshole now. There was no turning back. He reached back and spread his butt apart as he pushed harder. 

His dick was throbbing from all the pressure on his prostate. Gas was building behind the plug of crap that he desperately tried to force out without tearing his butthole open. Unfortunately, that was impossible, as this particular shit was as large and heavy as two bricks cemented together. Cartman strained just a bit harder... and cum began to flow from his tiny, fat cock as his asshole split open. The small spurt of semen covered his fingers as blood started mixing with shit in the toilet. 

The red-brown mess smelled so horrible, Cartman's dick twitched. He dragged his fingers through the shit and smeared it on his nipples. His shit-encrusted tits jiggled as the turd finally shot out of his bleeding, gaping hole. The forceful farts that had been stuck behind it were no longer trapped, and freely echoed against the toilet bowl and bathroom walls.

His stomach and bowels now empty, Cartman began to clean up. He flushed the toilet, and miraculously, the shit all went down. His ass was still smeared with diarrhea and blood. Loudly, he screamed and pounded on the wall. "MOMMMMMM! I'M DONE TAKING A SHIT!!"

Liane came upstairs into her son's bathroom. "Okay, Eric, we'd better get you cleaned up..."

Cartman stood up, closed the toilet lid, and kneeled on the seat. He stuck out his ass, and Liane bent down. Slowly, she licked the crap off of Cartman's butt, and then turned him around. Liane inserted her tongue into her son's mouth and Frenched him. They snowballed the shit, moaning as they swallowed.

"Yeah..." Cartman grunted as he grabbed his underwear and headed back to his bedroom.


	2. Fifty Shits Spicier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cartman eats 24 chipotle burritos and things don't go well afterwards.

"Muffin, I'm home... and I brought you Chipotle!"

Eric Cartman smiled. He absolutely loved Chipotle, especially the way it felt when it was shooting out of his asshole in a spicy, gassy, hot stream. He patted his plump stomach, ready for the two dozen spicy burritos his mom had bought him.

Liane stepped into the kitchen with the Chipotle bag. She set it on the table and pulled out each burrito. She unwrapped the first burrito, and Eric immediately began to scarf it down. He could just feel it start to turn into one of the disgusting, wet shits he so enjoyed taking. "Myeeeehmmmm..." he crooned, "would you rub my tummy while I eat these spicy hot burritos?"

"Of course, hon!"

"Sweeeeet." Cartman started on the next burrito.

After finishing off the burritos, Cartman was full. Very full. So full, his bloated stomach was pushing against the waist of his sweatpants. His titties hung to either side of it, and it rested on his thighs. The grumbling noises coming from within were enough to let Cartman know he was ready. "Mom..." he called out, "bathroom."

Liane helped him stand up and walk upstairs. There, another new toilet awaited him. His last massive shit was so greasy and forceful, the old toilet cracked and had to be replaced. Cartman cracked a grin. "It's time to open wide for me..."

His dick ached with anticipation as Liane helped him onto the toilet. A loud, hard, long fart preceded the first turd, and the echo rang loud enough for the neighbors to hear. Cartman moaned in pleasure, not even noticing when his mom left to get the door. Just as she opened it, heavily-odored, chunky diarrhea began spilling from Cartman's butt. The awful stench wafted downstairs and into the foyer.

"Wh... what IS that?" a concerned Mr. Stotch asked.

"Oh, don't worry, Dad, that's just Eric takin' a big, steamin' dump." Butters replied, smiling.

"Excuse me?" Mrs. Stotch butted in, giving her son a look.

"Yes," Liane confirmed, "Eric had Chipotle for dinner, and sometimes that makes his no-nos pretty messy..."

Upstairs, Cartman's no-nos were getting incredibly messy. He'd began to lick the stray shit from his hands, and he sloppily gripped his shit-covered dick in ecstasy as he masturbated over the loud, stinky mix of flatulence and feces flowing from his wide-open butthole. A small break occurred, and then the second round of crapping commenced.

Uncontrollably loud, long farts shot out of his ass, and the only breaks between them were caused by the massive bricks of crap plopping into the toilet. Cartman blushed, aware of his humiliation... but oh god, was it a turn on. As his butt forced out more heavy clumps of waste, he stroked his miniature weenie.

Chipotle had always made Cartman's bathroom visits an adventure, but this particular meal had been so spice-heavy, his ass was raw and the burning-hot buttblasts he was releasing didn't help it any. The pain felt so sexy, the flow of air over his prostate was so pleasing... he longed for more pain, more degrading punishment. He had to get in trouble.

So he slid off the toilet and took the rest of his dump all over the floor. When Liane found him on the floor, waiting in his puddle of awful liquid shit, she was livid. "Eric Theodore Cartman, you will clean up this mess this INSTANT!"

"No."

Liane turned him over her knee and spanked him. The slap of her hand against his bare ass hurt so bad... and he loved it. She hit so hard, his cellulite-covered ass jiggled. His tits bounced around as she slapped him, and he reached up to pinch his own nipple. After his ass was sore and reddened, she pushed him off her lap. "Clean it up."

He obeyed and started lapping up the mess of shit on the tile floor. When he was about halfway finished, guess who burst in on him?

His whole class.

That's who.

"Cartman's licking shit off the floor! EWW!"

"I knew he was gross, but holy fuck..."

"Cartman? More like Scatman."

The crowd mostly broke away laughing, but Kenny stayed.

Cartman was legitimately humiliated, and it was a bonerkill. "K... Keeenyyy..."

Kenny's voice was muffled, but Cartman could make out what he was saying: "Cartman, all of us are depraved perverts."

"I-I know, b-but... not everyone has such a bad reputation..."

"Cartman. No one is going to think you're any grosser because of this."

"Really, Ken?"

"Yep. Cuz they already think you're fucking repulsive, and it's hilarious!" Kenny chuckled and ran off.

Cartman fell back into the shitpuddle. So he was a loser, he literally ate his own shit and jacked off to it, and his favorite foods all gave him terrible, toilet-shattering diarrhea. What could make his life any worse?

Oh yeah. His incestuous relationship with his mother. At least that was still secret...


	3. Fifty Shits Fucked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cartman isn't alone this time.

Cartman placed his hand on his hip and struck a pose in the mall. His whole body jiggled, and it was obvious through the clothes he was wearing. His pants were a fluorescent fuchsia, and they hugged his curves like a second skin. His tube top was no looser, but it was a deep violet and pushed up his globular manboobs as if they were any other set of breasts. His always-stuffed belly hung over the waistband, protruding out about a foot. And Cartman’s ass could’ve split those pants in half if he hadn’t been too lazy to bend over.  
Cartman wasn’t just wearing tight clothes because it was sexy, though: when his pants squeezed him tight enough, his stomach’s contents ended up becoming a smoothie of rancid shit.  
Cartman moaned at the very thought. Imagine how sexy it would feel for him to just…relax in the mall and let it rip…  
At that moment, Cartman felt an unrest in his guts. This was definitely what he’d been waiting for. Grinning, Cartman reached down his pants and touched the tip of his dick as a loud, warm fart split from his ass. The force made his ass quake. Cartman felt a major amount of shit coming on and ran to the bathroom.  
The line was long—really long. Cartman desperately tried to hold in his shit…but then he saw a bathroom without a line…  
The girls’ room.  
Cartman moaned and rushed into a stall. Slowly, a huge mass of crap began sliding out of his ass. Cartman felt it smoothly stroking his prostate as he dropped it into the toilet. His fat shota ass strained to push out the giant crap.  
Unfortunately, Cartman’s shit was too hard to push out. He needed to get it out, though…  
Cartman rubbed his left nipple, squeezing his titty. Holding the titty, he opened his nipple up and pulled out an enema. Aiming his tiny, sensitive, floppy, squishy dick, Cartman pissed into the enema bag.  
After he’d gotten the enema bag nice and full, Cartman leaned forward and stuck the nozzle up his asshole. He squirted his pee up his ass, feeling it fill his stomach. And as soon as he finished pumping his butthole full of pee…  
Cartman’s ass exploded. (Not literally.) He started to fart out a sickening, vomitlike mix of pee and shit-chunks. He could already feel the pressure leaving his stomach. The loud farts smelled like a dead raccoon soaked in sewage. This made Cartman horny, so for the third time, he started beating off while taking a dump.  
Just as Cartman let out a low moan, a curly, brown head of hair popped under the stall.  
“Aaah—Lorde?”  
Randy grinned. “Yes. I am Lorde. Ya ya ya.”  
“I saw your butthole on TV…”  
“Can I see… YOUR butthole?” Randy asked, inching closer to Cartman.  
“I’m shitting right now…”  
“I like that…” Randy grunted, “we can use it as lube…”  
Cartman was excited. He’d been wanting to lose his butt virginity for a while…  
“Please fuck me while I spray shit out my tight butthole…”  
Randy licked Cartman’s nipples softly before violently thrusting into his asshole. Cartman’s ass tightened, then instantly loosened. Shit began to burst out of him. Soon, an ocean of diarrhea covered the bathroom floor. Everyone left due to being terrified of the smell.  
Randy laid Cartman on his front in the shit smoothie. “This is gonna hurt…”  
Cartman grunted. “Oh… I WANT it to hurt…”  
Randy shot his cum up Cartman’s ass canal just as Cartman came in the shitpond. They both screamed as they climaxed. Randy yanked his cock out of Cartman’s butthole as Cartman farted.  
Suddenly...SOMETHING WENT WRONG.  
Cartman’s asshole got pulled out.  
“Randy… my ass feels weird…”  
The socklike pink tube sticking out from between Cartman’s buttcheeks still leaked a little stream of shit and cum.  
“Oh…oh no, Eric… I…”  
“What?”  
“I gave you a pink sock.”  
“The fuck is a pink sock?”  
“I pulled out your butthole. I saw a reddit thread about this once.”  
Cartman blinked. “I think I saw that too… can you just push it back in?”  
Randy made a fist and shoved away at the inside-out butthole. It sucked itself back up into Cartman’s ass.  
Cartman wrapped his arms around Randy’s neck. “I love you…” he moaned as he farted again.  
Randy’s eyes opened wide. Lorde was playing at the mall in ten minutes…  
Randy jumped up. “How do I get the shit off my dress?”  
Cartman licked at Randy’s armpit. “I could get it off of you…”  
“Lick it clean for me…”  
Sensually, Cartman licked the diarrhea off of Randy’s dress.  
“Thank you…”  
Cartman and Randy stared into each other’s eyes as Cartman let out a final, wet, sloppy, juicy fart. Then Randy looked away. He ran off, leaving Cartman with just two words…  
“Laters, baby…”

**Author's Note:**

> WELP. NOW THAT I'VE FUCKED UP MY REPUTATION IN THE SOUTH PARK FANDOM, I MIGHT AS WELL DIVE INTO THE TRASH. GOODBYE


End file.
